Worst year of my life

Hi stalkers! Lme xnulis kn? Haha. Acceli byk je bende nk crite tp tulaa im too lazy to write. Klu ad robot tlg tulis sng kit op? Ok fck that. Tunait im gonna share bout my thoughts. Lately, aku rse mood swings gile. Kdg rse sedih kdg rse nk mrh haih. Ok ni xdok kaitan nge pms k. Im jz having few hectic weeks lately. N i think ma depression slowly wt comeback balik heh.

Tbvh, i hve depression probs since high school lg bnrnye. Aku igt lgi mse tu i used to have suicidal thoughts. N prnh jgk trfikir nk lari dri rmh. Siap plan lgi care nk lari tu. Ikut tngkap bilik aku la pstu nkgi lari tah kl naik flight la. Ahu bende. Last2 tnggl plan je la hahaha. Berani nye idok. Acceli mslh xbsr mne pn but mybe sbb iman aku xbrpe kuat kot? Haha biaselah mse tu kan naluri tgh membuak2 nk hidup bebas. 😅
Anyway it started to become worst mse 2016 dlu. Msetu sumpah worst year of ma lifeu. Ye start jd teruk lps pde aku decide to breti study. Start dri tu, bkn stkt depression, i oso hve problem with social anxiety. Aku dulu hok mmg jenis pemalu dh trus jd introvert. Drpd ckp jgk skit2 sapa xleh nk hadap org lasum. Aku kurung je dlm rmh. Klu ade event or wedding ceremony or sth yg rmai org aku xg pn. Klu ade org mri pn aku xkuo. Sbb takut. Takut org kate ke aku mcm2. Mostly sbb society pressure la kot? N yes til nw i still hve this problem. Tp xseteruk dlu la. Msetu supoh lonely. Lonely sgt2. I hve nobody beside me. Even family aku pn xtau psl sume ni 😅

Acceli mse decide nk breti bljr tu, aku ad discuss ngn sorg member aku ni. Shes oso hve depression probs. But what i can say is dia lg byk mslh bnding aku. We both struggled the same things. Due2 nk breti bljr. So kiteorg pn mcm ok lets do this n kiteorg siap plan nk ambik kmahiran sesame. But few days lpstu she told me tht she wanna continue study right after ive told my family bout this. Mse tu aku serbe slh nk breti ke dok but i told her aku nk breti jgk sbb xleh trus dh. Keesokan hari tu, ma mom trus ajk pegi kolej nk selesai n mse tu yes aku msih lg serbe slh so i told my mom xboh g lgi but she said dh klu xg lalu bile lg nk slsai? So aku pn ikut jela. Msetu aku rse serbe slh gile. Dgn nmpk nye muka kecewa parents aku. Aku rse brslh gile. I keep thinking btul ke mnde yg aku buat ni? I rly hve no idea tht time.
Proses nk breti tu susoh jgk rupenye. Kene byr balik yuran pengajian tu utk setahun even aku dang bljr situ sbulan je. Lpstu kene mntk sign nge jabat ni jabat tu. Pstu kene jupe kaunselor dlu. Mse jupe ye tu aku rse nk nangis citer ke ye. Lps selesai sume tu, my mom cried mse otw balik tu. Sumpah koyak hati aku mse tu. Aku rse berdosa sgt sbb wt parents aku kecewa.

Lps pde hritu, i rarely talk to anyone. Even ma family. Nk ckp nge kawan pn, kawan2 hk aku rpt sume xdok kt kg mse tu. Ade je so called besfren aku hok tahu psl ni tp msing2 sume busy nge life sndiri. Spe je nk dgr psl aku ni kan? Mse tu bru laa aku sedor. Bkn sume org ade mse utk aku. Org lain pn ad hal ye sndiri gk nk care. Aku ni sape je dlm hidup org. Dok penting pn. Org cari aku time ye perlu je. Supoh aku lonely gile mse tu. Mmg xdok sesape pn nge aku msetu. Aku nyesal nge sume bnde aku wt. Tiap mlm aku nangis. Tiap hari ade suicidal thoughts. Tiap hari aku self-diss n blame diri sndiri. Tp xdok spe pn tahu. Xdok pn tmpt aku nk share bnde ni seme. Klu aku kbo pn spe je nk caye op? Haha. Since then, aku dok caye ke sape2 dh. Even besfren. Haha. Sampai skrg aku ade trust issues. Sbb tu laa aku jrg share bende ngn org leni. Cus people nowadays is so temporary. They keep leaving us even when they say they wont.

So now, i jz follow the flow. Befriend with everyone but trust no one except Allah. I hve lost lotsa friends since then. But still, theres few more. The real ones. The one yg slalu bg aku support even bkn sokmo ade kt sisi aku. So skrg my prinsip of friendship, bcus people cant always be there for me, i choose ma friends as happy pills instead. If they cant help to solve ma probs, at least dorg bleh happykan aku kn? So i used em to make me forget ma sadness n ma probs for awhile. So for me now, aku xkesah sgt pn klu org xdok time aku susoh. I learn to handle it alone. Sbb sampai bile nk brharap kt org kn?

Fyi, i dont blame ma frens for all of this. Sume ni berpunce dr aku. Trlalu brharap ngn org. Terlalu percaya ckp org. Lastly aku sndiri yg sakit haha. Jujur aku menyesal n kecewa sgt2 dgn diri aku sbb wt parents aku gitu. Aku tahu aku bodo. Aku sokmo dok mikir molek wt mnde2. Aku dok prnh pikir pnde effect ye ke org lain. Bodonye aku. Hm

In a nutshell, post aku ni bknla sbb nk share cter sedih or mntk belas kasihan org. I jz wanna share my pengalaman so korg bleh ambik iktibar. I learnt a lot frm these things. Betulla kate org. Pengalaman mematangkan kite. Im too young too dumb to realize those things before. Tipula klu kate dok menyesal kn tp nk wt gane? Bnde dh jdi. Smoge xbrulang dh la bnde gini. Well, regret n mistakes they are memories made right? Who would hve known how bittersweet this would taste? Gosh im in tears now :')

Ok sampai sini jela ceritera kite kali ni ye. Nkgi sambung nangis smbil lyn lagu sedih plok ni. Bye!